Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
taking June’s advice to heart
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?