The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
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That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope