There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
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my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Phonetics
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.