Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
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Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”