Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
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I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
accurate
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
men are simple creatures
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.