i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
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What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
But wait…
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.