ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
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Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Oops
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”