Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
#MeanwhileInCanada
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
This will never not be funny to me.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.