When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
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friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Brands during Pride
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I’m already scared
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!