Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
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Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.