man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
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me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy