WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
You Might Also Like
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.