Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
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I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?