Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
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God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.