John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
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water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
💻🤡
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.