If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
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I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Florida be like…
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!