No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
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PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
finally
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
This fish is cracking me up
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”