“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
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Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Ok but actually
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”