do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
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YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
🤣🤣
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u