“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
You Might Also Like
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle