I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
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Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!