[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
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Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
crazy
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.