*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
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I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!