Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
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When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
What?!?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books