He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
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If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”