When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
You Might Also Like
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Sign of the day..
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.