Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
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My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools