[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
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I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later