Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
You Might Also Like
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
uh oh
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.