Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
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Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I’m a bad influence on myself.
was Jim off killing horses or…
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.