I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
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I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader