canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
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Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.