*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
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Perfection.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
The “baby” on the left….
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.