AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
You Might Also Like
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
drew a comic about my origin story
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
crazy
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.