The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
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this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?