You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
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Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”