Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
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Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops