customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
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1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Which wines pair best with gloating?
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Lube but for my dry humor.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.