that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
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I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
My wife gives the best headache.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.