when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
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Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.