If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
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From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.