Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
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College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I hope Alan is OK
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.