If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
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Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.