I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
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Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog: