Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
You Might Also Like
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never