look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
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Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
#Thanos #MondayMood
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …