ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
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Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
peep davidson
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.