Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
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Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?