{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
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Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”