My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.